myth of the comeback and changing your mind

The time is 2 am and I am wide awake. This morning (?) I plan to write about something that feels very opposite to the boundary setting of my last journal entry- fluidity of self and life choices.

First however, I will note how the "new rules" have been going for me:

-I have not used any alcohol or drugs

-I have not dated or hooked up with anyone

-I have (of course) stayed vegan and cooked a decent amount instead of doing take-out

-I have not been wearing all-black!

negative space

My weekend has been subdued but pleasant. I've been chatting with friends, re-organizing my studying, going for a run, and catching up on current events. I've spent the entire time since Trump was elected largely politically inactive, even though prior to his win I was very active with the Bernie Sanders campaign. So, I took some time this weekend to look into how to get involved with activism on campus.

The best part of my weekend was this past Friday night, when I had my younger brother over to my apartment to cook dinner together.

But prior to this weekend, I realized I had gotten into a negative space without immediately realizing it. I have been skipping classes, neglecting assignments, and staying up until 4 or 5 am most nights only to sleep in. Realizing that we are in the midst of midterms and that spring break has nearly arrived, this was alarming.

comeback starts now!

It is yet to be seen whether or not I will continue to build and re-build good habits in the coming week, but it's important to at least try. It is difficult, though. Like many, I struggle with a cognitive distortion known as "all-or-nothing thinking," where a person or situation can only be a clear success or failure. For example, by being disorganized at the beginning of the semester, I might trick myself into thinking I am destined/doomed to follow this pattern into finals or perhaps, um, forever. This is, however, a useless line of logic! Even if I am finding computer science difficult, I will do better with it if I study than if I do not.

A phrase that always bumps into my mind when I'm having a rough day/week/month... is one I got from an ex's parent- "comeback starts now!" The idea being that you don't have to wait to have a perfect plan or moment to start changing and improving. This is great remedy for all-or-nothing thinking, where the solution out of your rut might seem like it has to be a grand plan, especially if the rut is deep.

I have a strong urge to go back and complete every assignment I've missed and watch every lecture I've skipped (ex-Catholic urge to repent for my "sins"?), but the reality is that this is not at all the best use of my time. The best thing was to re-group and focus on completing assignments that are upcoming. I cannot perfect past wrongs to meet my (now) impossible standard of a successful semester.

the comeback kid

If anyone is reading this and happens to know me, you might know that I have not had a typical trajectory through university so far. There have been some set-backs out of my control, such as sexual assault and previously undiagnosed mental illness, but there have also been some set-backs so self-imposed one might suspect them of being engineered! I don't have a strong grasp on it yet, but sometimes I wonder if I enjoy the set-backs sometimes. Or, more precisely, I enjoy being a struggling beginner and experiencing the high of trying something new, rather than the (I imagine) "slow-burn" pleasure of taking years to master something.

The evidence for this is that I have transferred schools once (1) and have changed my major (4) times. While I will often argue that this is a result of having taken full advantage of the privilege of "finding myself" with the support of a well-off family, I may also have romanticized the role of the "comeback kid." After all, when you're picking up somewhere new, doing something you've never done, how much can people really expect from you? I think I am afraid to be in a position of expertise and to be held accountable.

So, I am trying to reflect on the idea that bettering my life and "finding myself" doesn't have to always take the form of extreme life changes, but is something that can be practiced on a daily basis.

To me, the myth of the comeback is the myth of its glamour. The myth of exiting a dark period of your life in one fell swoop- better than ever before, and often with the excitement of proving yourself to others who have doubted you.

I think it is a hard lesson then, that there is usually no singular, glamorous, cinematic comeback scene. There are only small, daily victories. And likely, most people in your life hardly think enough about you to even consider doubting you, and the only one you have to prove yourself to is, well, yourself.

changing my mind, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love Instagram

(Is this joke/ format for an article header overused? I like it too much to reconsider.)

There is this saying that "if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." But is being prone to falling a bad thing, if only for a convincing argument?

Of course, on some things I have a strong opinion. However, I have faced the criticism that I might have a strong opinion of something only to have it easily changed by someone else. Strangely, the issue never seems to be that I gave in to a stupid argument/ conspiracy theory. While it is so common to hear that a discussion between two people who could not possibly shift their opinion is a waste of time, a certain allegiance to one's opinions is often viewed favorably indiscriminately. I suspect the perception is that if we can be mostly loyal to our opinions, we must have spent a lot of time researching them!

In my ~opinion~ while being open-minded is often extolled as an important virtue, it is underrated in daily life. Changing your mind can be viewed as a weakness of the mind- showing that you must not have already carefully considered every possible argument.

Some things I have changed my mind on in less than the past 10 years are as follows:

-Political affiliation

-The existence of a higher power

-The death penalty

-Abortion

-Veganism

-LGBT rights

(Also, I think it is helpful to try and think of

a) the last time someone changed your mind

b) the last time you changed someone else's mind!)

I don't think it is "wishy-washy" to always be open to new evidence. It is not only humble to work from a place of assuming there are gaps in your knowledge, but worthy of respect and the mark of a thoughtful person.

More recently (and less seriously?), I created an Instagram, about five years later than everyone else I know.

Previous to last week, I was completely against Instagram and thought it was a waste of energy and that it would damage my self esteem. After years of feeling this way, I sat down and made an account because my friends and I took some cute photos together. I have found the app to be as fun as I was told it would be and (surprisingly!) a boost to my self esteem. Taking pictures of myself for my own fun has made me feel more beautiful and like I am taking ownership of my body.

I think that if you are too afraid of seeming weak in defying your own values, you may miss out on a lot. Your self and choices can be as fluid as you want them to be, and this is far more exciting than attempting to craft a cohesive persona.